BIG TIPS

FEBRUARY 26, 1999 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 13

How do I tell my partner that I've been faking it?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Dear Big Tipper,

I'm a very feminine lesbian with three questions: How do you achieve orgasm with your partner? She and I have been together for three years, and I haven't yet.

Do I tell her that I haven't? She has absolutely no idea.

How do I rid myself of guilt and resentment toward her about the fact that I've lied about this for three years? I am in agony. Please, please

help me.

Coming Alone

in the Shower

Dear Come In Out of the Rain,

Unless your girlfriend has a really good sense of humor and an incredibly resilient ego, I don't think there will ever be a good time to sit her down and say, “Honey, I've been faking it for three years."

Unfortunately, sometimes by the time you feel comfortable talking about the details of sex with a partner, you've already set a tragic precedent or two. So what should you do now?

First of all, just jettison the guilt and resentment. There's no reason to feel guilty, and the resentment should fade after an orgasm or two.

Second, I'd suggest the "My body seems to be changing” route. People's sexual responses change over time, so just stop pretending to come, and tell your sweetie that you can't come the old way (no lie).

Then both of you will have to figure out what really makes it happen. Check out Good Vibrations on-line, and get a vibrator. Buy a copy of The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex: jam-packed with tips for fun. Or maybe you should just invite her into the shower with you, and show her your technique.

Dear Mary,

My girlfriend and I have been together almost a year, and I love her very much. She told me at the beginning that she had been sexually abused by her stepfather when she was an adolescent, but she indicated she had dealt with it, so I didn't think of it as a problem.

Then right before Thanksgiving, she began having nightmares about him. I don't think she's reliving the abuse in her dreams— it sounds like just his presence in them is enough to frighten the shit out of her. At first I thought it would go away, and I guess I didn't realize the extent of the problem because when I slept with her, she usually didn't have the nightmares.

This month she has been having trouble

sleeping. Though she won't come out and say it, I know she's afraid to go to sleep. Yesterday morning she began moaning and crying in her sleep and I woke her up. She couldn't go back to sleep for three hours.

Last night she was saying she doesn't understand why God is testing her this way again, because she can hardly. handle it. I had suggested before that she have some therapy, and at that point she said she doesn't see why she should pay hundreds of dollars to a therapist.

BIG TIPS

"You know me hundreds of times better than they

would, and if you don't

know how could they?” she said. (I have been through my own struggles and have emerged on top, and love myself, which is why I think she said that.)

I don't know what to do. I got a book for the partners of the sexually abused, but I think I need a support group. I need someone to talk to about all this shit, including her everyday reactions to things as well as how I can help her.

I didn't realize before reading that book how much it can permeate everyday life. I can't talk to my friends because I'll betray her trust, but I need to talk to someone. I feel so lost right now. Any help you could provide would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Both Hurting

Dear One For You and One For Her,

You're right to go find support for yourself, and your sweetie does need to go to a counselor or a therapist. It's not about whether or not someone else knows what's wrong and how to fix it, but a good trained professional can help her poke through her own issues, and help her figure it out for herself. You can love her up and listen, but someone with distance can help in a different way.

I would start looking in the phone book (in a GLBT business guide, if you're lucky enough to live in a town with a queer business association), under "rape" there should be a local hotline that is equipped to provide references to counselors and support groups.

It's good to pre-screen these resources for possible homophobia: call those counselors and groups and see what their response is to lesbian survivors or same sex partners. While you have them on the phone, ask if any of them charge on a sliding scale, or know other good professionals who do. She's lucky to have you. Good, good luck.

Dear Big Tipper,

Hey, I just read your column about accepting compliments and had a funny story. I was working in a bookstore and this old classmate came in to shop, and I guess I was too nice. I smiled and asked how he was and what he did and just polite conversation, really, and ended my conversation with "Stop by again.”

Which he did. So then he stopped by again and came up to me to ask if he could call me. Silly me, I didn't get what he meant,

I was dumbfounded. I said, "Here?" and he said, "Sure, anywhere."

I still didn't get it, but I could sense he was blushing. Then he asked for my number

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and I caught on. I said, "I'm moving, so I don't really have a number to give you, which was true but sounded like bull.

I laugh when I realize how long it's been since someone mistook me for straight. I usually get insulted. I haven't seen the poor guy with the nerve to ask me for my number since.

Saucy Sister

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216631-1052, or e-mail to martone @drizzle.com.

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